Welcome to the humorous guide series! There are many tips and guides out there that are designed to help you with your relationship, and oh boy, is it needed.
Though we may be wrong on most occasions, we still try our best to achieve that peace and quiet we all dream of. So, if you have a wife, are soon to be married, or you’re just here for fun, here are five tips that could aid you in some way. Whether it’s to save your marriage, help it end (if that’s what you’re going for), or you’re just intrigued to see how things could work out, you’ve come to the right place. So, without further ado, let’s get started:
1. Tread carefully
If your wife is tired, it’s your job to know (whether she tells you or not). With this in mind, don’t go and bug her because you want her love or attention. You could get the cold shoulder, or better yet, she’ll lay there and pretend to enjoy your company. Alternatively, she’ll be nodding off in between your sentences because, yes, you’re that boring. So, congratulations, you have now become the most boring person in the world to her.
If your wife is annoyed or angry, don’t go up to her and don’t be yourself. The last thing you want is to get punched in the face. Instead, build up the courage to go over to her, but don’t say anything.
Sometimes, words don’t need to be spoken to show someone you are there for them. Take her hand and hold it or, better yet, hold her in your arms. I’d suggest looking into her eyes. Be careful, she may give you some dirty looks, so be prepared. And just a warning, be ready for any sudden movements.
2. Massage her feet
Whenever you see her sitting down, go over, sit next to her, put her feet on your lap and massage them.
Of course, this may seem odd, and she may give you a few looks or wonder what the hell’s wrong with you but she’s been on her feet the whole day, most likely doing more than you could ever do. So, she will be grateful, though she may not admit it.
3. Don’t be stupid
The part most people tend to get wrong usually involves “putting your foot in your mouth”. To get it right, avoid making your points heard. It will only go through one ear and out the other.
Learn the art of the “nod along”, or you’ll never hear the end of it, nor will you be sleeping in your bed tonight. You’ve only got yourself to blame for not listening. Let’s just leave it at that.
She might go on and on about things that make no sense to you, but for your safety and peace of mind, listen!
Trust me, you’ll be thankful you did, especially when you realise she may have incriminated herself in some way. Or, better yet, you’re in a ditch somewhere and remember something she said. “Lightbulb moment”. She was right! Of course, she was.
5. Feel confused
Feeling confused and having no idea what the hell’s happening will generally be the norm.
You may often get the cold shoulder, the dagger eyes, and the silent treatment (a silence so deafening it’s like being in your own personal horror movie where she’ll sneak up on you out of nowhere). And, finally, you may even have, let’s call them, unflowery and unflattering words thrown at you.
So, learn the art of the apology. Even if you feel you’ve done nothing wrong (trust me, you have), say sorry. But be wary. If you apologise, she will likely be one step ahead of you and ask why you’re sorry. So, be prepared with a few answers in advance, or you’ll be caught out, and that won’t be a pretty situation for you. In which case, good luck, because that’s all we have time for, folks.
I am no expert in this field, nor are there any guides or tips to help you get out of any situation you might get yourself in.
So, if you decide to attempt any of the above and none of them works out, or you find yourself in a precarious situation, I would suggest you lay there and think of what you could have possibly done to piss her off. And also, you’re on your own!