So, you’re sitting in a room with a TV, a laptop, a screen, or maybe you’re a lucky one with a 65-inch smart TV or larger (how delightful). I hope in two years you won’t need glasses!
You might be alone at home or have others lurking in your household. If alone, the only problem you face is choosing between the channels the world of television has to offer. If you’re unlucky with one big screen, then, you’ll be fighting other TV savages in the household to pick a channel. If you’re an only child with parents, that’s great on the TV front, but it must feel sad and get very lonely not to enjoy it with others.
This guide helps you navigate the treacherous territory of finding the right channel while beating others to it.
- Hide the remote!
Get ahead of the game – hiding the 10,000 remote controls in your household (one for each box you own), is a good idea. Bury it in your bedroom, or, if you’re clever, it will be hidden under your pillow. Be careful though; the others will come hunting in the morning. You want to avoid being eaten or ripped to shreds vocally by siblings or parents. Wearing earplugs the night before helps. Be advised: you may not hear the alarm clock!
- Save your programmes early!
In this vast jungle, you’ll spot various species from a sprawling network of streaming services:
- An Amazon Firestick
- Roku box
- Now TV box and stick
- Virgin Media
- Apple tv
- Netflix (although it might be on its last legs).
I may have left out many species intentionally. There were so many to name that my head nearly exploded.
Remember when only five channels existed, with an Ariel plugged into the TV? If you don’t know, then imagine it! No one likes a show-off! We may have lived in the dark ages in this jungle, but life was simpler when the only programmes to watch were Blankety Blank or Blind Date on a Saturday night.
Go wild! Save a film or programme to your list for later. With options to play, record and rewind – the world is your oyster. Record whatever comes on the mainstream channels! Preparation is essential and the key to succeeding here. Make sure you know what you want to watch the night before; it’s a life or death decision!
- Be the first one seated.
Great! You crawled your way down. You’re the first to the TV, this time. If not, then either a snail can move faster than you, or it’s laziness, and you have no clue how to survive in this jungle of a world. Just go back to sleep! If you’re still alive then try again tomorrow!
Check the TV is on. Some geniuses usually sit there staring into space, while others think the TV turns on itself. The really smart ones turn on their TV using voice activation or Alexa! If you’re unlucky, someone has clawed their way to the room, snatched the remote off you and attacked the back of your head with a slap.
With a kind-hearted family in your midst, you can expect the group to be sitting around a campfire having a family discussion about what to watch. Warning: some discussions can turn aggressive, and items may intentionally be flung across the room, causing severe harm. Keep 999 on speed dial ready for the ambulance and make sure you have a signal. Tip: if you keep repeating the name of the film or series, they’ll give in, especially if they can’t agree on something else.
Now that you’re watching your preferred film or show, lose the remote, get rid of it for now! Imagine it disappeared into the upside-down world from Stranger Things – they’ll believe you!
What happens next?
With the whole family gathered and packed together, everyone has to watch your chosen channel. Be on the lookout for daggers from across the room. Some may be unhappy! If on the off chance none of this has panned out, or somehow, someone has accessed a universal remote on an app, with their mobile, tablet or some sort of new tech device via Bluetooth, then this is where I leave you.
Unfortunately, being broke is nothing new. If you’re not strapped for cash at the end of each month, owning the vast network of subscription and TV packages known to man, then you’re doing something wrong. A TV should be available in every room that makes up this jungle of a home. Make sure you pay an arm and a leg for a useless Netflix subscription that gives access to five users. At the end of the day, it’s worth paying if you don’t want to be mauled to death by your ‘family’. If you have millions of pounds, dollars, euros, rupees or Bitcoins, stored away, you’ll have no problem surviving. Except when the kids fight over who gets your money when you die. In any case, tell us how you succeeded in life, as long as it was legal!
I’m no expert in this area, and you’ll definitely fail in a jungle that wants to eat you alive. Just remember the actions and reactions of others are solely your responsibility, so tread carefully.
If you follow these handy guides, make sure you tread lightly and learn how to:
- Tame the remote controls, one button at a time.
- Find some handy tech tips to block other users.
- Practice running.
Until then, stay tuned for the next instalment of The Humorous Guide!