THE HUMOROUS GUIDE: HOW TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING

Source: Unsplash by Bruce Mars

Whether you’re an early riser, an in-betweener, can’t be asked but have to get up-er, or a late waker — getting out of bed in the morning is a massive ask and task.

Well, that is unless you’re one of those minor few “aliens” who manage to get out of bed looking like you’ve walked out of a spa (yes, I called you an alien).

So, for those of you who need mental or physical assistance to get you out of bed (drag you out), don’t worry because here are a few ways to help you overcome one of the biggest obstacles known to mankind.

1. Going to bed

Go to bed five minutes before it’s time to wake up. But if you’re someone who needs their beauty sleep, try going to bed a little early the night before to get a good few hours of sleep.

If you can’t fall asleep, try keeping everyone else up — they might get so annoyed that one of them will knock you out or slip you a little something. Problem sorted!

2. The list of alarms

Make sure to set:

• Your alarm clock (preferably for ten different times with 5-minute snoozes).
• Your other half’s alarm clock, if you have one.
• Your parent’s alarm clocks if you live with them.
• Your children’s alarm clocks, if you have any.
• A radio alarm that plays loud annoying music (scaring you up).
• Any other music device that could wake up the whole world.
• Car alarm.
• Even house alarm if you can (that’ll make you run out of bed or scare you to death, not sure which one but good luck).

If none of those work, or you’ve thrown most of them out the window (if you’re violent, through the window), I’m pretty sure your neighbours will help you out and come knocking with pitchforks.

So, either way, I’m sure you’re sorted.

3. Movement is key

If you manage to wake up on time like a ‘normal’ person, on the first or second alarm. Make sure to slither and float out of bed because, you know, it’s so hard to get out of bed the ‘normal’ way.

4. The contingency plan

If you can’t wake up with any of the aides mentioned and you sleep through all your alarms, have a contingency plan ready.

This plan will likely consist of someone:

• Throwing ice-cold water on your face.
• Hitting you with a pillow.
• Shoving you out of bed (also known as dragging you out by the feet).
• Screaming you out of bed.
• Slapping you.

That should do the trick.

5. The ‘night-owl’ pets

If you’re someone who has any pets, don’t worry because by now, I’m sure you’re wide awake after hearing them:

• Running around.
• Scratching.
• Knocking and hitting everything known to man in the house.

All while reciting the sounds of their people, because as you know: the toilet, nightlife, and food are very important, if not paramount.

So, I’m pretty sure one of these tips should do the trick and work out for you while also causing injury, possibly a heart attack and maybe even some sleep deprivation. You’re very welcome!

Disclaimer

I am no expert in waking up, nor have I tried most of these tips. So, let’s hope one of these works out for you! But if you do end up getting yourself into trouble, know it’s all your fault.