Source: Pexels by Karolina Grabowska
Today, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to discuss the process of writing.
Ultimately an art rather than a science, I can only offer my own individual insight and wisdom into this undertaking and hope that you can find some glimmer of insight that will inform your writing process and workflow. Without further ado, let us begin!
The first lesson is…
Hang on. Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable. You’ve got to get the right tone before you start, of course. Maybe get some breakfast – I had some own-brand cornflakes this morning which was quite unsatisfying. If I could, I’d be nomming that ‘Crunchy Nut’ every day but that’s not a great way of losing weight. I mean, do you know how much sugar is in those things? Weetabix is probably what I should be going with, or some kind of homemade granola, but who wants to make that every night? Seems like a lot of effort.
Oh, wait. Sorry, I got distracted.
Anyway, let us return to the process of writing. It’s very…you know what, before we start, I have to find the right music for writing. Usually, it’s a Lofi hip-hop or piano playlist. Something without lyrics that will distract you – that’s the last thing you need when trying to write! Plenty of things on YouTube to help, and wait there’s a compilation of NBA great Charles Barkley roasting Kevin Garnett about his skinny jeans. Let’s just watch this real quick.
Sorry! So, okay. You’ve had your food, and you’ve got some music on. You’re ready to go!
Okay, so the process of writing is- actually, you know what? Some exercise would be really good right now. A nice walk around the area – I mean, it’s Bradford so it’s nothing special, but it’ll still get some fresh air and the blood pumping. Plus, there might be some dogs! Who doesn’t love dogs?! There are a couple in this area we’ve given nicknames to. For example:
- Fat Butt, because his fat butt wobbles when he walks
- Brutus, because he’s a giant ginger dog, Bordeaux
- Floppy, because he has floppy ears
- Gazza, because I’m convinced I once saw him with a tin of beer in his mouth
- The Lassie-Womble, because she looks like Lassie and a womble.
Okay, so some of these nicknames aren’t creative but they’re wonderful dogs too and—
What does this have to do with writing?
Absolutely nothing, you’re right. Again, sorry about that.
So! You’ve had food, you’ve got music and you’ve exercised. Time to open that Word document, all brand new and- empty. Actually, just before we start, let me just quickly check the wrestling news. I know, a grown man in his thirties watching wrestling. I don’t even watch it anymore it’s just a habit to check the news now. Same with the NBA, but that’s more because I don’t live in America and the time zone difference makes it difficult to watch games live, plus they’re on Sky Sports which I don’t have, or maybe I should get a new job so I can afford Sky Sports properly. Hard to do it on a band 2 salary with the NHS.
Sorry! Just got a little distracted. So – food. Music. Exercised. Word document open.
And oh god! I don’t know what to write.
I bet the other writers don’t have to worry about this as I do. I bet they write with great ease, ‘cos they’re all smart and what not. Unlike my dumb self. Writing stupid articles about video games and anime and er, suicide. See? You’re stupid enough that you couldn’t even kill yourself properly. Moron.
Uh! Are you okay?
Yeah, I’m absolutely fine. That’s just the process of writing.
Wait, is that it?
In a nutshell. The most successful writers are the ones who manage their procrastination better than others. You’re going to get distracted. You’re going to doubt yourself. You’re going to watch YouTube and fidget about it. But, ultimately, you just have to crack on and write. There are no special tips I can give you that are guaranteed to work because it’s an art, not a science.
That seems like an anti-climatic way to finish an article.
Now you know how my ex-girlfriend feels.